Digital Love Letters - tailsbeth - Red White & Royal Blue (2024)

Chapter 1: We can reacquaint ourselves with all the furniture

Chapter Text

Hi Henry,

I’ve missed this, I actually felt all warm and fuzzy when I opened up the email window. Amy has assured me multiple times today that this server is far more secure, like probably once an hour. I was a bit of a mess when I asked if emailing could be our thing again, she went full on protective mode. She’s always been rooting for us though, even when she does walk in on us seconds away from being in each other's pants.

Thank you for agreeing to this. I know I’ve already said it but I need you to know how much it means to me. After the leak I wouldn’t have blamed you if you’d said no. I’ll never forget the feeling of your body shaking in my arms, you collapsed on me. To go from that day in London to now, I’m so damn proud. My boyfriend is so f*cking incredible. My boyfriend is so beautiful and kind and sexy and how long is it until you’re back, baby? The bed misses you. And the couch. And the rug. And the washer… How did that one even happen?

Sad & horny, all yrs

Alex

Dearest Alex,

Seeing your email notification genuinely soothed me. It made me grin, Shaan was even concerned I was having some sort of psychotic episode. A part of me will always be terrified that our lives will be aired out for all to see again. Terrified of the judgement, terrified of the attention.

But at the same time, I also want to scream from the rooftops about how much I adore you. I’m in Venice for another couple of days on royal duties. I have to make small talk when all I want to say is ‘have you met Alex Claremont-Diaz? He is equal amounts annoying and ravishing.’ Instead of smiling for the press in a stiff suit, I wish we were here taking polaroids for a holiday album. We’re definitely coming here one day, I want to take you to Teatro La Fenice and see how it takes your breath away.

I’ll have to stop off in London but then I’m back in New York for at least a week this time. We can reacquaint ourselves with all the furniture, I’m sure.

Counting down the days, hours, minutes, seconds…

H.

Chapter 2: I keep licking my lips, hoping there’s just a little taste of you left.

Chapter Text

Henry,

The memory of you leaving this morning is replaying in my head over and over. Surprise kitchen sex was fun. The clean up wasn’t, but it was worth it. I keep licking my lips, hoping there’s just a little taste of you left. And then there was the shower. Why is someone else washing your hair just so much better? If someone can bottle up that feeling and prescribe it to me, I’d be addicted. And then there’s you walking out the door in a suit that will always do things for me and your beautiful ass.

I’m sitting where you left me, huddled over my laptop on the couch. I’m supposed to be looking at equality policies for my next assignment and instead I’m replaying all those moments over and over. Thank you for letting David stay this time, he’s easing the Henry shaped hole in this apartment. Although I forgot how much he farts in his sleep, he’ll be deployed for military service with how violent that smell is.

Miss you, love you.

Alex (& David)

Dear Alex,

We may have just facetimed but I miss you already, how is that even possible? You somehow manage to be annoying at every opportunity, it’s an impressive talent.

I wish you could be here for tomorrow’s hospital visit. I’d like us to go as a couple this time, not a pair of so-called best mates. They asked for you last time I was there, they said they missed the adorable strawberry.

And speaking of storytelling, I think I want to write. I don’t know what exactly. Maybe a children’s book. Maybe non-fiction. I did think about saying this on our call but I think getting you through your law school meltdown was more important. It astonishes me how you can doubt yourself, when all I see is the most confident man in the room. I can’t wait to see the history you can make when you realise that too.

Missing my strawberry sweetheart,

H.

Chapter 3: Can you get out of my daydreams, please?

Chapter Text

I woke up in the most blissful mood, I dreamt about Paris. That’s all.

Good morning sweetheart, H.

To my perfect Henry,

Your words are my morning hug. I needed those emails. And I love that you knew I needed it. I need you here more but I’ll take what I can get. I took the sleeping pills and drank chamomile tea just like you said I should. I still say it tastes like hot perfume. But I slept a whole six hours, got up for a run this morning too.

It’s a new day and I’m going to be the man you see, or at least pretend to be until I finally believe it too. I’m probably preaching to the choir here. I hate to think about how much you had to pretend though. I saw some pictures online of you leaving the hospital, don’t you dare think I missed that little pride flag pin. So f*cking proud of you.

Write that book Henry, imagine reading it to those kids. That would be insanely cool.

Love you in all your forms,

Alex

Dear Alex,

Can you get out of my daydreams, please? I’m begging you now. If I see your perfect face wander into my mind's eye the next time Philip is droning on about some estate matters, I’m going to scream. Poor Bea thought I was sulking with her the other day because I completely blanked her. I apologised but I couldn’t tell her it was because my thoughts were glued to the image of your perfect silhouette, the curve of where your hips meet your bum. My mouth is watering as I type. Alexander, you are a menace. And a perfect one at that.

Eternally yours in all sleep and waking life,

Henry.

To the Prince of my dreams,

You’re squirming at that, aren’t you? I already know it, that little wrinkle in your brow has popped up. God, I wish I could see your reaction. Maybe I’ll talk nicely to Shaan and get him to record it for me. Tell him I say hi, I know he loves me.

I finished the assignment. June and Nora are forcing me to go out tonight so I won’t be around to facetime. You might get some filthy drunk texts though. Tequila will be involved and you know that makes me a horndog… I miss the heat of you in my bed, the way we fit together perfectly.

I can’t wait for London next week, expect to spend at least the first 24 hours in bed. I need to lick every inch of your skin, you know, for science.

Stay hydrated, you’re gonna need it.

Alex

Chapter 4: Serves you right, soppy little sh*t.

Chapter Text

An ode to Alex in morning light by Henry Fox

Mornings should always begin with your face,

Your mumbles, tiny snores, heat upon my skin.

Angels made your eyelashes,

They twinkle and twitch under the trickle of

Morning sunlight.

The light wraps around your skin,

You glow harmoniously and I can barely breathe

At how perfect you are

At how it is my sheets you’re wrapped up in,

At how it is my heart wrapped up in yours.

I know you told me to wake you immediately so you could continue your ‘scientific experiment’ but I had to get this down, I enjoyed the rare moment of silence with you. You don’t always have to talk darling, you’re loud from the moment you walk in a room and I love you for it.

f*ck. You’re staring at me now sakjdkj=-

Henry,

How f*cking dare you spend your precious time with me writing the most romantic sh*t I’ve ever heard. You know what, you’re in the bathroom right now and I think I’m going to make us late as punishment.

Serves you right, soppy little sh*t.

Yours,

Mr Twinkling Eyelashes

Dear Alex,

The miracles you do with that mouth are endless.

Endlessly yours,

HRH Soppy Little sh*t

P.s. good luck dealing with that Washington monument in your trousers during the flight sweetheart.

Henry,

I forgot to say on facetime that June is happy to look after David whenever. Her exact words were “Auntie June will snuggle all day with this beautiful pupper, yes she will, yes she will”. Maybe we can finally have a proper date night since we’ve got a babysitter covered.

Do you ever think about when we might need an actual babysitter? I might have caught myself thinking about it. It’s scary though. And we’re so far away from that. And f*ck, it’s going to be royally complicated too.

But if it comes, I’m open to it. I’m also open to adopting 2 dogs and 3 cats though too. I’m down as long as you’re there is basically what I’m trying to say.

Love you, hurry home.

Alex

Chapter 5: Biology has not evolved in favour of the hom*osexuals. Yet.

Chapter Text

Henry, please just delete that last email. It was probably just jet-lag making me hazy. I'm talking out of my ass.

Alex

Dearest marvellous moron,

I'm not deleting that email Alex, in fact I might print it and frame it. Watch you cringe every time you walk into a room and discover your beautiful feelings presented behind the glass.

I say this as someone who accidentally became an expert in hiding one's feelings, never hold back. I never want you to feel shame, I never want you to be a prisoner of your own emotions. I served that sentence long enough for the both of us, love.

I think you will be an incredible father, you're so selfless now. You fight for what is right, even for people you do not know or will ever know. I can barely imagine how fiercely you'll fight for our child, children maybe.

My wish would be that I could somehow give you that child as maybe your partners of past could have but alas, biology has not evolved in favour of the hom*osexuals. Yet. Science was never my strength, can you tell?

When the time comes, we'll get through it as we always do. Together.

Love you so much, it's practically disgusting.

H.

P.s. very much open to more pets, although they must be named after queer icons. Edith the cat or Gilbert the dog, perhaps?

June Claremont-Diaz

What did you do to my brother?

He's smiling/sobbing at some email you sent. Should I call a doctor?

He's being the massive sap we know him to truly be under those annoying layers of bravado.

Great. Permission to call him a loser then?

Of course, enjoy!

Alex,

Did something come up? I tried to facetime at our usual time, nothing's in our calendar. June did get in touch about your reaction to the last email. I do hope it wasn't too much sweetheart. I know you're up to your ears in law school stress so we can put it to bed for the moment.

Reach out please, I miss you.

H

Dear Henry,

I will call you as soon as you wake up but I need to empty my mind now.

It's ironic it was me who brought this all up but it left me feeling a bit unhinged for a moment. In a good way, maybe.

I don't think I've really taken a moment to actually factor in that I'm bisexual, that I'm queer. Like I know I'm very out and proud but it's not something I contemplated within my life plan. (Yes I hate that I have a life plan too, my mind is annoying and I'm all too aware of it.)

I somehow managed to con myself into thinking I was straight for years. Even when I'd fooled around with a guy. God, I was really f*cking clueless. (I know you're finding that adorable, I can feel that little smirk)

I am so excited for every single little thing in our lives. I think I just need a minute to actually take it all in. I'll use my ADHD superpower and hyperfocus for a bit, it'll be fine. I think I just accidentally hyper focused on the crisis part first. My bad.

I could not love you more but I likely will find a way,

Alex.

Chapter 6: You’re not allowed to hide something so ravishing from me again, okay?

Chapter Text

Dear Alex,

To borrow a phrase from my latest cosy show:

Why are we like this?

Please talk to me about this whenever you need to. I may not understand how your sexuality manifested itself so late but I am willing to learn. While slightly different, those cycles of disbelief that run through your thoughts have run familiar tracks in my own.

Believe it or not, there were six months in my early teens where I thought I was bisexual. Alas the crush I thought I had on Anne Hathaway in the Princess Diaries 2 was actually for Chris Pine. And before you make fun of the film choice, it was Bea’s at a birthday sleepover. She found them rather amusing and it became a tradition over the years. I did start to wish Julie Andrews was our Grandmother though.

Love you, my heartstopper.

H.

P.s. guess who managed to get out of another pointless Gala next week?

P.p.s. We might owe Bea some Beyonce tickets. Please help.

Henry,

Firstly, I told you Heartstopper was the cutest sh*t you’ll ever see. Also Nick is like my bisexual life coach or something, the scene with Pirates of the Caribbean… June was laughing her ass off. I had such a crush on Keira AND Orlando, like how did I not see that? And all the stuff with the rugby boys, just like me with lacrosse… Sorry, we’ll discuss this in person. And we’ll rewatch it together.

We’ll also be rewatching the Princess Diaries cause that is adorable. Also Chris Pine is fine, I fully respect that.

I could not concentrate in my lecture today. When the calendar notification dinged on my phone, I wanted to sing. Home for two weeks, right? I won’t be home when you arrive but I will literally run through the streets as soon as I’m out of the exam. I expect you to be very naked by the time I arrive.

Counting down the seconds baby…

Alex

P.s. Just ask Nora or June, I don’t know how but they can get those tickets in a few texts. f*cking sorcery.

Dearest Alex,

Why on earth did you not tell me about your new glasses? I saw Nora’s latest Instagram post not long after leaving London and I’ve been losing my mind.

You better be wearing them when you get home. I didn’t think you could get sexier and yet you baffle me again and again. I can’t stop looking at the picture.

I have a jacket and a blanket over my lap right now and it still looks like I’m pitching a tent.

If you ever have the option to get contacts and take it, I’m leaving you. You’re not allowed to hide something so ravishing from me again, okay?

HRHardness,

H.

Chapter 7: I’ll never tire of your body realizing its home, next to mine.

Chapter Text

Dear Henry,

I’m sorry if this sounds creepy but I love watching you sleep. Your first night home, no matter how long or short the trip, I’ll always try and fall asleep after you. There’s a moment where your body relaxes, flexes closer to me and it’s like your blood calms down. Your nose twitches, your mouth releases the sweetest noises known to man. I will never tire of it, I’ll never tire of your body realizing its home, next to mine.

I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep so thought I’d catch up on the lecture that your arrival made me miss. I mean I was there in body but my mind and soul… those were with you and those stupid grey ties you let me tie you up with. Glasses and ties… do we have the beginnings of a professor kink? I might need to research that next.

Oh sh*t. Junebug just sent me this news story (it’s the Claremont-Diazs turn to be insomniacs). These teenagers at some Christian academy had a protest graduation ceremony in Alabama. It looks amazing and they did it opposite the actual school at the same time. So badass. That's some future ACD voters right there… You're definitely going to punish me for that in the morning. But if that's the future of this country, I have hope. And for now, that's enough.

With love & hope,

Good morning baby

Alex

Dearest Alex,

How rude of your education to land an exam on the one day off I've had in what feels like a century.

I was prepared to fester around the house until you got home this evening (again, how incredibly rude) but June wanted to see her favourite nephew (her words not mine) so we're currently on an impromptu bakery tour. We've set up a scoring system, June thinks she can convince Nora to make it into some pie chart. Pun intended.

They get bonus points if they allow dogs in, and even more if they offer dog friendly treats. In conclusion, David has been spoiled like the royal he truly is.

I made sure to get you a few things to try after your exam. Whether you eat them off a plate or me is up to you.

Love you sweetness & good luck,

H.

Henry George Edward James Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor,

How dare you make me get a boner before I have to go back to my exam.

I want to lick so much frosting off you that I end up in a sugar coma.

Mouth watering, yrs.

Alex

Chapter 8: Party at Casa Firstprince tonight?

Chapter Text

GC: SUPER SIX:

Freedom at last!

BUG

That’s my cue to leave NYC then

You’re not going anywhere. Party at Casa Firstprince tonight?

HRH Prince dickhe*d

And by party, we mean lots of wine and Bake Off probably

BUG

We’re gonna need a lot of cake, let’s go full on Marie Antoinette

irl chaos demon

I’m in if we can quit with the historical inaccuracy

Auntie Pezza

Is there room for one more?

HRH Prince dickhe*d

You’re in NYC? I’m hurt, I'm only finding out now…

irl chaos demon

in that case I'll bring the tequila then!

Auntie Pezza

My plans got changed, it was supposed to be a surprise

HRH Prince dickhe*d

I might forgive you if you bring me a bottle of the good red

Auntie Pezza

Already got it packed babes

Jesus christ, get a room guys

BUG

You are no longer allowed to make those comments after you sexted the group chat instead of Henry

irl chaos demon

Still going to therapy for that

HRH Prince dickhe*d

Again, I cannot apologise enough

Y’all are just jealous

Mr Srivastava,

I believe your schedule has opened up and you’re visiting our side of the Atlantic much sooner than expected. I am available if the opportunity arises for our paths to meet. I will make sure you are well accommodated if you wish to visit us in DC.

Zahra Bankston.

P.s. Wear the grey pants that make your ass look incredible. Many thanks.

Bumble

OMFG

She is something else

I’m in love

irl chaos demon

So you’ve finally got to experience the goddess

BUG

I remember my first time

Auntie Pezza

Same

Needed a week to recover

Bumble

I haven’t stopped smiling

HRH Prince dickhe*d

Can someone please explain what exactly is going on?

Bumble

I am irrevocably changed

irl chaos demon

Body and soul, amen

HRH Prince dickhe*d

???

BUG

It’s a blessing just to breathe the same air

Auntie Pezza

It's otherworldly

I barely felt worthy of being in her presence

HRH Prince dickhe*d

Have you all joined a cult that I am not aware of???

irl chaos demon

Oh sign me the f*ck up

Can you please explain to Henry that his sister hasn’t joined a cult?

He’s freaking the f*ck out

Hahahahaha

BUG

I should not be laughing this much

Auntie Pezza

Hazza, Bea went to see Beyonce

HRH Prince dickhe*d

Oh.

Auntie Pezza

You okay doll?

Bumble

Hen, she’s incredible

HRH Prince dickhe*d

Quite. Next time can we not tease my lack of pop culture knowledge?

BUG

Promise.

Pinky promise

Auntie Pezza

Sorry babe, won’t happen again

He’s threatening to talk in Byron riddles or some sh*t if it does

BUG

Omg pls

That would make Alex and Nora’s brains simultaneously melt

Don’t encourage him

irl chaos demon

Oh f*ck all the way off

Chapter 9: Pez sweetie, find us a karaoke bar asap

Chapter Text

Cash

Do you ever regret your life choices?

Amy

It is 12.34am Cash

How dare you ask that in the middle of the night

Well I figured you’d be awake

Sorry Ames

Well yeah, barracuda and heirspray are at a fundraiser

What about bluebell?

We just got into DC

So what’s got you all deep and philosophical?

No it’s nothing, forget it

You know I know about 10 different forms of torture to get it out of you

Noted

I’m not completely powerless though

I’ve seen you be taken down by sour patch kids

For the last time Cassius

I have a sensitive palette

Sure sure

It’s fine, nevermind

CASSIUS

BARTHOLOMEW

Ok

Ok

Not cool Ames

That’s what you get for being a lightweight, vodka tells all your truths

It was one damn time

Anyway

I asked the ridiculous philosophical middle of the night question because

[a photo of Cash wearing a sheet mask shaped like a panda, June is in the background doing a peace sign]

Well that’s adorable

Adding that to my blackmail folder

Show that to anyone and I’ll spike your coffee with sour candy

You win this round…

Dear Ms Bankston,

Thank you again for your kind hospitality on our brief stop in DC. It was most appreciated. We will be staying put in NYC for the next week or so. If you wish to visit, I am happy to personally organise your stay. Perhaps I can interest you in a trip to a particular little French bistro that serves a fantastic red.

Fond wishes,

Shaan Srivastava

P.s. We can get dessert to take away again, if you let me eat it off of you this time. Fair’s fair, my dear.

GC: SUPER SIX

Auntie Pezza

I’m boreddddd

Can we go out?

irl chaos demon

I’m game

BUG

Booooo

No fair

Shouldn’t have gone back to DC

NYC is where its at babyyyy

HRH Prince dickhe*d

Pez is rubbing off on you far too much

BUG

Yeah only Pez can get away with that

Auntie Pezza

Sorry Alex but they’re right

Not everyone can be at my level of cool

And that’s okay lil buddy

Can we stop being mean to me & actually go out?

HRH Prince dickhe*d

He’s put Troye Sivan on

There’s really no stopping him now

I will need back up

irl chaos demon

Uber is on way

Pour me a drink alejandro

Auntie Pezza

I’m gonna make myself look pretty & then I’ll be over

HRH Prince dickhe*d

The tequila is out

I repeat the tequila is out

Pez sweetie, find us a karaoke bar asap

irl chaos demon

YES

HRH Prince dickhe*d

It was one time

Why won’t you let me forget?

BUG

I will need video evidence

Bumble

As will I!

Auntie Pezza

Booked for a few hours time

Get those vocal chords warmed up lovelies…

HRH Prince dickhe*d

Can we go back to being mean to Alex please?

Chapter 10: mamma & her bitches

Chapter Text

GC: SUPER SIX

irl chaos demon

mamma and her boys are readyyyy

[a photo of Nora, Alex, Henry and Pez together. Nora is wearing a burgundy loose fit suit with a black lace bralette. She’s in the front, winking at the camera. Pez has turquoise hair and is wearing an indigo suit with red roses embroidered on the shoulders, his t-shirt underneath is black mesh and shimmers. He’s planting a kiss on Nora’s cheek, his arms hanging over her shoulders. Alex is wearing a scarlet shirt which has far too many buttons open, his key is showing. Henry is wearing a dark forest green suit with a grey polo shirt underneath. Alex is putting bunny ears on Pez and his other arm has Henry pulled in at the waist, Henry is grinning and blushing as his face leans into Alex’s neck.]

BUG

Button up that shirt alex

Your nipples will take someone’s eye out

Auntie Pezza

Hate to disagree with you june

But stop body shaming your bro

BUG

Thin ice pez, thin ice

HRH Prince dickhe*d

Oh I will not hear the end of this

Alex is feeding him cold pizza as we speak

BUG

Pezza, sweetness

irl chaos demon

He’s attempting to type while doing a shot

Auntie Pezza

Yes my love?

BUG

Get a grip :)

I can’t tell if he actually collapsed or he’s acting

Bumble

He’s always had a flare for the dramatics

Please look after those boys @irl chaos demon

irl chaos demon

Of course

I’ll have them back in one piece

Or a couple with a lot of duck tape

BUG

Nora

Not comforting

Bumble:

As entertaining as this all is, some of us need to sleep. Sweet dreams & remember, video evidence is a must xo

BUG

I’ll be asleep soon too. Having some downtime

[Pic of her and Cash in face masks]

Is that who i think it is?

irl chaos demon

Oh shutthef*ckup

Never letting him forget this

irl chaos demon

Let the gals sleep

It’s time to ride bitches

HRH Prince dickhe*d

I did not consent to the title of bitches

Ummm look at your name in this chat

HRH Prince dickhe*d

Another name I didn’t consent to

Nora is giving me a glare

Bitches it is!

GC: mamma & her bitches

HRH Prince dickhe*d

At bar w Pez

Auntie Pezza

[photo of a tray of shots that are a bright pink colour]

Come and get them

[photos of Henry before and after doing the shot. He has his tongue out in the second picture and its stained pink]

Babe you make pink shots look so hot

irl chaos demon

GROUP CHAT ALEX

HRH Prince dickhe*d

Oh he knows, you do not want to see what he’s been texting me privately

aw mamma jealous?

irl chaos demon

I just saw you giggle at henry’s reply

So i’m good

Auntie Pezza

I cant tell if yall are sending sexts or stand up

Henry is giggling like an idiot too

so jelly so sososo jelly

Private Chat: Alex & Henry:

Was the bartender flirting with you?

H ❤️

No you buffoon

Can you please come back here so I don’t have to do more of these horrendous shots alone?

Too many words

you need to drink more of them

And then i’m going to steal you away to the bathroom stall

We can repeat our night in LA

And berlin

And tokyo

And you said I used too many words...

You shouldn’t be using your hands for typing

Need them on my body

Now

As sexy as that sounds

I believe we’re signed up for a duet next

GC: mamma & her bitches:

Auntie Pezza

Alex get your arse over here

Princess Leia and Hans Solo are about to be called up

Stop it

Thats the cutest sh*t

HRH Prince dickhe*d

It will be much less cute if you don’t hurry up

irl chaos demon

hauling his ass over now

You boys wear mamma out

Pez get me a drink pls

HRH Prince dickhe*d

We love you too Nora

Also they played Hall & Oates

So I completely understand why Alex stayed on the floor

Auntie Pezza

[A selfie with a bottle of champagne in a ice bucket]

irl chaos demon

thatta boy

The Next Day…

GC: Super Six

irl chaos demon

presenting FirstPrince:

[A blurry video of Alex and Henry on the karaoke stage. Henry is no longer wearing his jacket and Alex has one button done. They are singing Home by Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros, Alex is going hard to the talking bits while Henry barely attempts the accent. The camera pans down to Pez a few times who is wolf whistling, grinning at the boys.]

Bumble

Well this has made my day

Gorgeous performance boys

BUG

Okay i’m banning you from doing karaoke without me

I need to witness this mess in person next time

Bumble

Yes, I agree!

No karaoke parties without sisters present

BUG

respect on the left field choice though

Henry’s choice

My good taste has rubbed off on him

HRH Prince dickhe*d

Excuse me, I think you’ll find that’s the other way around

Also, where is my tea?

Auntie Pezza

do i smell trouble in paradise?

You know i struggle with the kettle yr majesty

HRH Prince dickhe*d

Typical American

Bumble

I forget that kettles are completely foreign objects to you yanks

irl chaos demon

Leave the rest of us out of this

BUG

Yeah it’s just an ‘Alex is an idiot’ thing

irl chaos demon

You know, like when he thought he was straight

Auntie Pezza

Bless him, poor lamb

HRH Prince dickhe*d

[A photo of a cup of tea, held by Henry’s hand. Alex is seen in the background flipping the bird]

He’s so charming, isn’t he?

I’m a f*cking delight

irl chaos demon

Someone’s only had 1 cup of coffee today

cups 2 & 3 are currently brewing

Bumble

That cannot be healthy

BUG

Its honestly no use arguing with him now

irl chaos demon

Alex is about 70% espresso at all times

HRH Prince dickhe*d

[A selfie with Alex. They both have cups of hot beverages, Henry has taken the photo while Alex is mid drink]

And now we can function as actual human beings...

Chapter 11: Shall I just order the lube straight to Kensington?

Chapter Text

Dear Amy,

I would ask Alex but you and I both know that man couldn’t keep a cactus alive - would you mind looking after my new peace lily? It’s in the office, there’s a water schedule laminated under the pot.

Thank you so much,

Henry

P.s. feel free to leave Classic FM on for her, Judy loves Debussy.

H,

You slick bastard. I can’t believe you asked Amy to water your plant. She scared the crap out of me, I came back from a run and thought someone had broken in when I heard Clair De Lune coming from the office.

I hope England is miserable without me. I’m happy you’re getting to work on opening a shelter over there but it’s honestly rude that the opening was scheduled for when I’m finally on break.

You’re incredible and I’m so proud and I can’t wait to see it all. And then I’m going to show you how proud of you I am. Shall I just order the lube straight to Kensington?

Yrs

Alex, law student specialising in competency kinks

Amy (is the best)

If you want to know when I’ll be back to attend to the plant, check the schedule

Noted

Also we never speak of the sound I made

I didn’t know you could even scream that high

I might have to tell Henry, he needs to know that Judy may have been traumatised

Judy?

Oh that f*cker named the plant

No wonder he didn’t ask you to co-parent

Dearest Alex,

This slick bastard knows you well enough to know that my peace lily wouldn’t be living in a week’s time, which would be impressive cause they’re actually quite hard to kill. But if anyone could manage it, it would be you sweetheart.

While you may be incompetent in plant care, I do hope you can do some self care. I know you’re already thinking of reading lists and essay topics for next semester, I can practically hear the cogs turning across the Atlantic. But please try and set it aside for now. I’m not saying you need to be letting loose and partying at karaoke bars every night (especially not without your duet partner) but go have fun. Let your mind rest love, you deserve it.

Why don’t you find something for us to do when you’re over? You’ve not seen much of the UK, we could do a little exploring up north. A little break in the country might be exactly what we both need. And as for lubrication, you already know I’m well supplied, you heathen.

Dreaming of your touch,

H.

P.s.‘You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.’ (I might need you to roleplay as Darcy for me sometime, for reasons.)

Chapter 12: please stop trying to come between me and the one woman I love, Jane Austen.

Chapter Text

To my darling Elizabeth Henry

I kind of hate how well you know me. I was browsing next semester’s reading list when your email came in. Don’t worry, I quickly crossed the tab off. In case you’ve got weird royal jedi powers I don’t know about.

Can we do Scotland? I’ve been once but I hardly call it a visit. I definitely want to see you in a kilt. Although I don’t know how long it will actually stay on…

How much planning would we have to do to go to a concert? Nothing But Thieves are touring the UK when I’m over, I can’t remember the last time I went to a concert you know. Like without my presence being practically announced or in a tiny club where there wouldn’t even be room for security. I want to stand in a crowd with you wrapped around my shoulders while we sing along badly. I want us to have some normal couple memories, you know?

I swear we need to get the dry cleaners to follow your Goodreads account, the billowy white shirt has just been dropped off. Can’t believe I love such a sappy romantic, gross.

North America’s Number 1 Mr Darcy Impersonator

Alex

P.s. I still say the version with zombies is pretty sick. Lady Catherine de Bourgh being disappointed in the Bennet family’s lack of ninjas? Genius.

BUG

Did you steal my tweezers again?

What no

Alex i can tell you’re lying

Even in text form

Sister powers ftw

Urghhhhh

Fine

I got weirded out by some pictures online

Have my brows always been so intense?

Is it the glasses?

f*ck what if henry finds it gross

Omg stop

Your brows are fine moron

You owe me tweezers

Ordering as we speak

Good

And secondly i think you could exclusively wear trash bags and henry would still be into you

I dont get it but i think

I THINK

He might be into you for your personality

Low blow junebug

Stop stealing my things and i might be nicer

I’ve just added twizzlers to your order

Okay i’ll be go back to neutral sister

Good cause i actually need some advice

Where was pride & prejudice filmed?

1995 or 2005?

Whichever one keira knightley was in I guess?

I forget how uncultured you are

2005 fyi

I have a list i can send you

I’ve not had a chance to visit many but at least you’ve given me the excuse of more traveling to the uk

(thanks for shacking up with a british prince, real solid of you)

Sure no problem

Just hit me up if you need to be seduce any other royal families or world leaders

I mean have you seen nikolai from the danish royal family?

I did love Copenhagen

Henry says he’s been hitting on Bea for years

I wonder if she’s got his number…

Earth to bug

List of locations please?

right

I’ll email it

After i’ve texted bea

What do you need it for?

Henry told me to plan some stuff for when i visit

I’m hoping he’s not been to them all already

He hasn’t

And he’s going to love it

Look at you being all cute and sh*t

As if i’m anything else

I’m not even validating that response

Dear Mr Darcy Claremont-Diaz

Don’t worry sweetheart, no Jedi mind tricks. Just a few tell-tale signs I’ve learned: middle of the night calls, the five year plan you have hidden away several folders deep in your laptop and the two times you’ve woken up next to me with sticky tabs on your face.

Your energy seems like it knows no bounds but we both know it does, when your body melts onto mine in post org*smic bliss. The way your muscles loosen in your back against my chest. Your lips are as pliable as clay and I want to do nothing but sculpt them with kisses for hours.

Scotland sounds like a great idea. You know we have residences up there, dear? I used to spend a lot of time with Dad there actually. It would be nice to make more happy memories there. Also you’re a clever boy, I know exactly why you want us to wear kilts.

I am envious of the fact you’ve been to shows as a normal citizen. While I understand my privilege has got us invited to the most spectacular evenings of music and theatre, I do wish it didn’t come with every inch of pomp and circ*mstance. I see you’ve been listening to my moody playlist then, I’d love to see NBT live. In truth, they got me through a lot. This song reminds me of you, of us. That version is particularly gorgeous. I will speak to Shaan and see what we can do.

Can’t help but notice you haven’t been wearing your glasses in those last few Instagram posts. Think of your eye health, love. And how they make me think of all the deplorable things I’m going to do to you the moment you arrive at Kensington.

His Ravenous Horniness

Henry

P.s. For the last time Alex, I admit that it is one of the most wonderful reworkings of classical literature but please stop trying to come between me and the one woman I love, Jane Austen.

Chapter 13: Good lord, what was in those spirits?

Chapter Text

To Nora (& probably Bug)

I’m in the land of Nessie, haggis and men wearing skirts with no underwear! We landed a few days ago in Edinburgh and I’m already obsessed with this place. They’re our kind of people, ya know? Friendly, a little rough around the edges but loyal as hell. It’s been surprisingly easy to keep a low profile here. Even when we are recognised, they don’t get all weird. We got free coffee out of it most times and you know that’s my favourite kind.

Henry took me to an ice cream place today that had a line round the block. Holy sh*t, I can see why. It’s not your usual flavours. H got Tahini and Lemon and I got spicy mango and lime salt sorbet… INSANE. We stopped at a vintage shop and I’ve decided I need to get Henry a brown leather jacket for Christmas. Again, INSANE.

Love from Alex x

P.s. hope you enjoy the sexy Scotsman on this, Henry blushed for an hour after I made him buy it.

Dear Bea,

I had forgotten how much I loved Scotland. Is it just me or does the air taste better here? It seems more fresh, not yet tainted by mankind. Alex seems to have found his footing here rather easily, we should have done this trip months ago. We are planning on mulling around at Birkhall (Balmoral is just a bit much for our tastes, don’t you think?) but I wanted to take a brief detour to Abbotsford House in the Borders. Despite this being the region where England meets Scotland, I feel like I know nothing of it bar its roads. I can quickly see why Scott was inspired. If I do ever delve into writing a book, I think I'll make myself quite cosy here amongst the mountains and sunsets. Thanks again for taking on royal duties, we really needed this.

Sending my love, Henry.

To Nora,

It's official I want to move here. We're staying at a ‘smaller’ royal residence and took a day trip to Loch Ness. I just saw a dude prank an actual prince, fully knowing he's a prince too. f*ck, I love Scottish people. Our tour guide decided to tell Henry that only Scottish people could see the monster, but it has been known to show itself to royalty. I didn't think H would fall for it but I'd say there was 10 minutes there where his mind was a tiny bit hopeful. His little broken face… I can't get it out of my mind. Also I think I've been buzzed from about day 2, I get why whisky comes from the Gaelic for ‘water of life’. I'll bring you back a bottle as a souvenir.

Love ya, Alex x

Dear Percy,

Thank you so much for the distillery recommendations. I'll admit I'm somewhat intoxicated as I write this. According to Alex he's thankful that the adage ‘whisky dick’ doesn't seem to apply to us… Good lord, what was in those spirits? I might be writing a postcard by dim light but that is the only bit of decorum left in me. In this moment of a rare loose tongue, let me thank you for all your kindness Percy. I do not know not what I would do without you in my life. You are as much a brother to me as any flesh and blood.

Sending love from Scotland, H x

Chapter 14: You got a fiance out of me doing stupid

Chapter Text

BUG

Why did I wake up to voicemail of you singing Flower of Scotland?

don't know what you're talking about

🙄

Having fun then?

Yeah

I never thought I'd miss city life

but bug

it's so pretty

you'd love it

We should do a group trip?

I'm sure Percy could hook us up

like your thinking!

How's p&p tour planning going?

I'm so jealous

It'll all lost on you

All set

and hey I've been forced to watch it enough times that I know my pemberly from my netherfield

Who are you and what have you done to my itty bitty brother

No souvenirs for you then

😒

Have a safe trip you uncultured idiot

Shaan Srivastava

With some help from Ms. Bankston, we’ve managed to get enough security for you and Alex to attend the concert. I’m emailing the information to you now.

You are the best, Shaan.

Alex says ‘thank you sweetie pie’.

Apologies for his behaviour.

It’s honestly not the worst thing he’s said to me so I’ll take it. Enjoy the rest of your trip, Ms. Bankston has assured me that Alex has everything organised.

Send our love to Zahra, go enjoy your time off.

I won’t repeat what Alex passed on, but imagine it to be of the same vein.

Zahra says hello to you. I shan’t repeat what she said to say to Alex.

Zahra Bankston (answer or die)

Booking confirmations are in your email, if you actually bother checking it. Don’t do anything stupid you little sh*t.

You got a fiance out of me doing stupid

You got a boyfriend out of me saving your ass

Several times

love you zahraaaaa

Beatrice 💛

You’re going to see NBT?

When did you get so cool?

Excuse me. I believe it was me who got you on to them.

I might have bugged Shaan to get me a ticket too.

Might as well while we’ve got the security sorted.

I won’t intrude on you love birds though

I’ll just be another girl screaming along in the crowd

Thank you ever so kindly.

I just hope the security isn’t obvious. I don’t want it to feel stifling for Alex.

They all know the drill by now Hen

Look like actual human beings enjoying themselves

Whilst being aware that they do have a job to do

Easy peasy

I suppose so.

I hope they play Green Eyes. It’s gorgeous.

GC: Super Six

HRH Prince dickhe*d

We’re at Pemberley!

[Picture of Henry in front of Chatsworth House, his arms out wide with a huge grin on his face]

BUG

So jealous

Bumble

That picture is adorable

dont think ive seen him this happy

[Selfie of Alex smiling, with Henry in the background, gawking at the building]

Auntie Pezza

You are far too cute, you make me sick

irl chaos demon

oh i didnt know you were house hunting on your trip

BUG

Why am i surrounded by uncultured idiots

[gif of Scar in The Lion King saying ‘I’m surrounded by idiots]

Chapter 15: AU period drama, PWP

Chapter Text

Percy 🍭

Oh Henry, you gorgeous little pumpkin.

What on earth are you talking about?

[Selfie of Percy holding a postcard with a highland coo design in rainbow colours]

I received your drunken prose and it was scrumptious.

Oh.

I didn't realise it had been posted. Alex said he'd lost it & now it's dawning on me how foolish I was to believe that.

Please thank Alexander for me.

You would have never sent this.

Sometimes you need a little push & that's why I approve of Alex so much.

A bit too much at times.

But yes, I agree. I barely remember what I wrote if I'm honest. That distillery tour is all a bit of a blur.

Well that just means you enjoyed yourself Hazza!

Dear Alex,

You’re still asleep next to me, red wine does tend to make you lie in. I think this holiday has been the most normal I have felt in years. Even when we got recognised in Scotland, it didn’t feel overbearing. And the way your eyes lit up when you got free coffee… Well I’ll never tire of that. I can see us coming back to Scotland regularly. Maybe we can invest in a little holiday home. Just for us. And maybe future additions to the family.

I am still dumbfounded that you took us to Pemberley. I thought I’d have to wait until June was next in the UK (hopefully soon with that new book of hers) to visit. Don’t think I didn’t see you enjoying yourself, we’ve made an Austen fan out of you my darling. I have no idea where we’re off to next, which sums out life with you Alex. Our path forward is uncertain but no fear clings to every step I make with you.

I do believe you’re stirring, there’s noises coming out your mouth which don’t exactly resemble the English language but I’m going to assume they mean coffee nonetheless.

Thank you for this, for everything.

Love, H x

BUG

Please stop sending me drunk voice notes

You got to see pemberley

I hate you a lot as is

H says you two can go when you next visit the uk

Which he says will be soon

he’s obsessed with your new book bug

At least your bf appreciates literary genius

(but also please say ty to henry for me ❤️)

Where are you today?

well im wearing a white shirt

might be recreating a certain lake scene

TMI

Enjoy lyme park asshole

Cash

Remind me why we do this job?

I’d say the healthcare plan

But I don’t think it covers ‘hypertension cause by Alex Claremont-Diaz’

True dat

Drink after we pass Barracuda and Heirspray off to the evening team?

I’ll be needing several

GC: Super Six

irl chaos demon

why are you trending on twitter alex

BUG

Oh f*ck

Bumble

This is why you need adult supervision

[screenshot from twitter: someone has taken a picture of Alex coming out of the lake sodden wet. Henry is bright red]

BUG

Zahra is going to kill you

Leo will likely persuade Mom that you’re just being romantic

Or you better hope he does

(he’s a colin firth stan)

irl chaos demon

hes always given 1995 vibes

Auntie Pezza

Hazza, you’re a very lucky boy

Alexander was meant to be a wet shirt

BUG

PEZ

Bumble

PERCY

HRH Prince dickhe*d

I’d like the ground to swallow me whole right now.

i thought you wanted me to do that?

BUG

ALEX

Bumble

ALEX

Auntie Pezza

👁️👄👁️

HRH Prince dickhe*d

I’m going to kill your brother, sorry June.

irl chaos demon

AU period drama, PWP

Bumble

NORA

BUG

NORA

Chapter 16: I will see that your balls are fed to Catherine’s corgis.

Chapter Text

irl chaos demon

Thanks for the postcards

henry has made you into such a romantic sap

not saying i hate it btw

i can barely remember what i wrote tbh

I do remember there being a sexy man on one of them

i want to frame it

June disagrees

she’s got no taste

(ignore the fact she has a column in vogue)

Um excuse me bitch

and you obviously

pls dont hurt me

i think after your antics i’d need to get in line

respect for the authenticity

YES

i knew someone would appreciate the effort

Dear Henry,

You’re snoring. I want to record it for when we’re apart. I’m sorry if yesterday was too much. I’m sorry if I’m too much. I love you.

Alex x

Dear Alex.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that Henry Fox could not be more in love with you no matter how absurd you are. You’re singing in the shower and I’m going to come in there and show you just how much I love you. Again and again and again.

Love, Henry x

Beatrice 💛

Don’t be alarmed but, Philip is wondering if you’d like to do dinner before the concert on Friday?

As in our brother, next in line to the throne, stick up his arse, Philip?

The very one.

Martha mentioned he’s been softening a bit.

Something about becoming a dad and realising what a sh*t brother he might have been.

Is Martha and Elizabeth coming too?

I wouldn’t mind seeing my niece.

It might distil some tension too. Especially with Alex, he’s obsessed with her.

Let’s ask Mum too then?

Sod it, full on family affair.

At least we’ve got the concert to escape to afterwards I suppose.

That’s the spirit, Hen!

Zahra Bankston (Answer or Die)

If you step one foot wrong on Friday, I will see that your balls are fed to Catherine’s corgis.

zahra what could i possibly do

I have an entire spreadsheet and a prescription for blood pressure medication to prove what you could do.

touche

I’ll be on my best behaviour

Promise

Good. You're on thin ice after the lake incident.

And thank you for the whiskey.

*whisky

Excuse me?

i got a half hour lecture on the difference, whisky means its scottish

Alex. Balls. Corgis.

OKAY. dont blame me if you piss off scotland