Call Me Sandy Bullock - Lisamc21 (2024)

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

“Fine! I’ll go alone.” David threw his arms in the air as he turned and marched away from his mother and back into his room.

“Twyla will be grateful, dear,” she called.

He mumbled to himself as he changed into his lightning bolt sweater. If he had to suffer through Twyla’s awful murder mystery party because his mom had promised to help her, he might as well do it feeling good. How his mother managed to rope him into helping as her proxy, he’d never understand. Probably a holdover from his childhood spent trying to keep her on the right side of a breakdown.

After getting ready, he shot off texts to Alexis and Stevie to make sure they’d be there, then walked to the cafe.

“Thanks for helping, David! This is going to be so much fun.” Twyla beamed at him. She looked like she’d stepped out of a time machine from the 1920s. Sparkly gold flapper dress with a matching feathered band around her head.

A slice of tension left his shoulders as he took in her excitement. Maybe he could be not an asshole for a while and help her out. After hearing a few of the Jazzagals talking Real Housewives level sh*t about her previous parties lit a small fire in him. So of course he’d said yes when his mom asked him to help. He wanted Twyla to throw a great party that people would talk about all year. Wanted to help make that happen.

“You’re welcome. What do you need me to help with?”

She talked him through the food and he advised her on the appropriate flow for food and drinks. As they rearranged tables—and, f*ck, he didn’t expect to get sweaty before a party!—she explained in excruciating detail how the murder mystery portion of the party worked. He half listened.

“That sounds great Twyla, but you realize I’m not going to be able to play, right? I’ll be monitoring food levels and making sure people have drinks so you can host.” Bless, she didn’t understand how to throw a party.

“Sure, David.” She laughed.

An hour later, he felt good about the layout and the meager 1920s themed decorations he’d managed to make look not completely cheesy.

“Did you bring a costume?”

He gaped at her. “Um, no?” Did she really expect him to track down some sort of Gatsby getup on short notice? Please.

She waved a hand. “Don’t worry. I have extra of these.” She pointed to her feathered headband.

“Nope. That’s okay.”

Twyla laughed him off. “It’s okay, I have plenty.” She handed him a stretchy gold-sequined band with the saddest feather he’d ever seen.

“Thanks?” He bared his teeth at her. “I’ll, uh, go put this on.” Don’t be an asshole. Don’t be an asshole. It’s just one night. It’s not like he had to worry about impressing anyone. He and Stevie were long over. Jake wasn’t on his radar any longer. There was Patrick, but he couldn’t imagine the new guy in town coming to Twyla’s party. He stared at himself in the mirror. Huh. Weird he’d lumped Patrick in that group. A guy he’d only met a few times and maybe flirted with at the Wobbly Elm after a few drinks shouldn’t have made an impression already. But it wasn’t like he had other people to pull his attention. And, okay, Patrick was cute and the way he teased David with that smirky smile and big eyes. Teased him like they’d been friends for years and he had the right to. Frankly, David kinda loved it.

Swallowing his pride and willing the feather to perk up, he left the bathroom and joined Twyla to welcome the Schitt’s Creek masses. Twyla approached him and winked as she handed him a folded piece of paper. “Thanks, Twy.”

“Have fun.” She grinned then turned away to hand folded papers to Roland and Jocelyn.

He shoved the paper in his pocket when Stevie walked through the cafe doors. He sighed in relief. “I’m here. Happy?”

“Honestly? Elated. You are going to be the reason I survive this.”

“How’d you get sucked into this?”

“My mom.”

Stevie grimaced. She was one of the few people who understood it was impossible to understand the power of Moira Rose in getting people to do her bidding. “Where is she?”

He snorted. “She won’t come because I’m here.”

Stevie frowned then shook her head.

“Stevie! Here’s your character and a headband. Red to match your flannel.”

David matched Twyla’s excited face. “Stevie! It matches perfectly.”

She glared at him. “Thanks, Twy.” He knew she wouldn’t mouth off because she had just enough nice in her to not make Twyla feel bad. After Twyla wandered off, Stevie opened her piece of paper and snorted. “What’s yours say?”

He shrugged. “I’m not playing.”

“Then why are you even here. Why am I here. We could be getting high and watching Drag Race.”

He looked to the ceiling as though his patience hovered up there. Shaking out his hands, he sighed. “I know, I know. But I want to help Twyla. People were talking so much sh*t about her parties.”

“Rude.”

“I know. We’re the sh*t-talkers in this town. Where do the Jazzagals get off?”

“What about the Jazzagals?” Jocelyn smiled widely at them as she and Roland approached.

David shot a look at Stevie. “We were just wondering if you all had planned a themed performance for this evening. A popular 1920s tune, perhaps?” He deserved an Oscar for maintaining a straight face.

Jocelyn’s entire body vibrated with excitement. “That’s a fantastic idea! We’ll have to do that for next year. I need to talk to Twyla.” She rushed away toward Twyla, pulling Roland behind her.

“Food before people start touching things and double dipping?”

“Yes.” Stevie spun on her heel and followed David.

Chapter 2

Chapter Text

“Patrick, you’ll love this. Twyla throws the best parties!” Ray adjusted his fedora and bow tie.

Patrick wasn’t convinced, but he supposed it beat spending a night sitting on the couch and watching reality TV with Ray. He really needed to get out and make some friends. Friends like David Rose.

He smiled at the memory of tipsy David last weekend at the Wobbly Elm. Going to the bar had been a whim. Spending another Saturday night watching movies on his laptop in his rented bedroom sounded too depressing. After being in Schitt’s Creek for a few weeks, he’d moped enough and needed to get out. He’d expected to sit at the bar and have a couple of beers without saying any more words than those needed to procure said beers. But when he’d settled on the stool and ordered a beer and heard a sing-songy David yell “Patriiiiiick!,” he’d been a goner. It’d been the best night yet in Schitt’s Creek. Probably the best night in far longer.

“I’m sure it’s not a big deal you didn’t come in costume.” Ray smiled through his chastisem*nt. As though a few hours notice had been enough for Patrick to assemble a period getup?

“Let’s hope.” He followed Ray into the cafe and was surprised to see a couple dozen people already in there.

“Ray! Patrick!” Twyla smiled as she walked over to welcome them. She handed each a folded piece of paper. “I’ll go over the rules shortly. Patrick, I’ve got a headband for you so you fit in!” She hurried away then returned with a blue sequin headband with a feather. “It matches your shirt!”

He accepted the headband. “Uh, thanks, Twyla.”

“You’re welcome! Help yourself to food and drinks.” She gestured to tables lined up near the counter.

Patrick was surprised to see so many people in outfits passing as somewhat period appropriate costumes. Maybe this was something she did every year and people invested in a costume once to re-wear? That prospect was kinda sweet.

“I’m going to go put this on.” He held the headband up to Ray.

“Okay, Patrick. I hope you’re not the murderer! I’m not sure it’s wise for me to live with a killer.”

Patrick laughed at Ray’s endearing enthusiasm. “Likewise, Ray.” He turned and walked toward the bathroom. He nodded politely at a few people he recognized.

“David, look. It’s Patrick.”

Patrick schooled the smile that immediately took over his face at the teasing tone in Stevie’s voice. He knew that tone. They’d talked about him. He wanted nothing more than to know what David thought about him and why they’d talked about him and what was said that led to Stevie saying his name like that.

“Hey David and Stevie. Didn’t expect to see you here.” He bit his bottom lip to stop from grinning at the feather on David’s head. Somehow he managed to make a corny decoration look good.

“We could say the same about you. Couldn’t we, David?” He bared his teeth at her. Her grin widened before she turned back to Patrick. “We wondered if you’d come to this thing.”

Patrick stopped holding back on his grin. “You did, huh?” He directed the question to David.

One of David’s dimples popped out as he slid a cheeky smile to one side of his mouth. “Purely academic interest.”

“Oh?”

“Testing the Schitt’s Creek grapevine. Wondering how long it would take for the new guy in town to get invited to local parties.”

Stevie’s shoulders shook with her silent laughter.

“Why didn’t you invite me, David? You could have immediately answered your own scientific inquiry.”
David’s mouth opened and closed several times. He squared his shoulders like he’d settled on a comeback. “How could I? I don’t have your phone number.”

“Easy fix.” He held out his hand. David stared at it as though it’d bite him. “Give me your phone.”

Stevie’s eyebrows jumped to her hairline.

David didn’t say a word as he pulled his phone out, unlocked it, and handed it to Patrick.
With faked confidence, he added his phone number (and birthday for sh*ts and giggles) to David’s phone. “There. Now we can be sure I won’t miss the next big social event.”

“Can we?” David slid his phone back in his pocket.

“Not going to text me so I have yours? What if I’m the first to hear of a party next time?”

David shifted his weight to one leg as his surprise morphed into a smirk. “You’re either very impatient or extremely sure of yourself.”

Could teasing count as foreplay? Because that felt like foreplay.

“I see Twyla got you too.” David nodded down at the headband in Patrick’s fist. “Here.” He held out his palm as Patrick had a minute before.

He handed David the dorky headgear and willed his heart to stay in his chest. David took a step closer to Patrick and his nimble fingers wrapped the headband carefully over Patrick’s head. “It matches your shirt.”

“That’s what Twyla said,” he said in a hoarse voice.

David smiled softly at him before stepping back. “All set. A flapper in denim.”

“Thank you.” They smiled at each other for a moment until Twyla ruined the moment by calling for people’s attention to explain the rules.

Chapter 3

Chapter Text

“What’s your character’s name?”

David smiled to himself. “Julio Stiles. You?”

Patrick’s mouth twitched. “James Harrington. Are you the murderer?” He asked as he filled his plate with cheese cubes and deli meats.

“If I were, why would I tell you?” David’s entire mood shifted at Patrick’s presence. It terrified him, but he leaned into it.

Patrick shrugged. “We could team up.”

“But what if you’re supposed to be my victim.” David added a couple more cubes of cheddar for good measure.

“Am I?”

“No. I don’t know.” He shook his head at their ridiculous conversation.

“Shall we?” Patrick jerked his head toward an empty booth.

“Mm. Yup.” He followed Patrick and slid across from him. He looked for Stevie, but found her deep in conversation with Roland. She wasn’t throwing him any “help me” looks so he left it to enjoy Patrick’s company.

“How are you enjoying Schitt’s Creek so far?” Masterful small talk skills. Jesus.

“Enjoying it quite a bit.” Patrick’s gaze lingered on David. “I’ve met some interesting people.”

“This town is full of them,” he said casually as an army of butterflies flapped hard enough to initiate a tidal wave in his stomach. “Any specific interesting people?”

“The mayor is a bit of an oddball.” Patrick winked at David as he chewed a meatball.

David snorted. “That’s the understatement of the year.”

“There’s this other guy.”

“Oh?” The butterflies erupted again.

“But I haven’t quite figured him out.” Patrick took a slow drink of his beer.

“Hello gentlemen!” Ray stood at the end of their table and smiled. “My name is Robert Smith and I’m a lawyer. Are you looking for any legal services? Perhaps defense for alcohol smuggling?” Ray waggled his eyebrows.

“Mr. Smith. How dare you insinuate I would be involved in such illegal matters,” David said in his haughtiest tone. “I’m merely a teacher. I mold the minds of children. You think I’d be smuggling alcohol?” He damn near cracked a smile at Patrick’s playful grin.

“I do apologize, Mr…”

“Bullock. Call me Sandy Bullock.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you Mr. Bullock.”

David nodded politely and stuffed his face with cheese as Patrick answered Ray’s questions until he turned and walked over to another table.

“Molding the minds of children? Should I fear for our future?”

“You should be terrified, Patrick. Terrified.” They shared a teasing smile. “You were talking about someone you haven’t figured out yet?”

“Was I?”

“Mm. I believe you were about to spill all of your secrets.” He tugged his bottom lip into his mouth and leaned his elbows on the table.

Patrick dropped his forearm on the table and leaned in, lowering his voice. “There’s this guy I met a couple of weeks ago. You know, it was in this very establishment.”

“What a coincidence,” David said in a delighted tone. His first meeting with Patrick had been brief but memorable. Ray introducing him to some people in the cafe that day for lunch. His dad peppering Patrick with business questions while Patrick’s attention kept wandering back to David. “I bet he was amazing.”

“Jury’s out. Ask me next week.” Patrick sat their in his mediocre button-up and jeans with that ridiculous navy blue feather jutting up from his head, but looking unflappably confident. Where the hell had this guy come from and why hadn’t he moved to Schitt’s Creek earlier?

David licked his lips. “Why next week?”

“Well, I was—“

“This is so fun!” Alexis sat next to David and squeezed him closer to the wall.

“Um, excuse you?”

“You told me to be here and I’m here! Drop the attitude, David.” Her bitchy tone gone in a flash as she redirected her attention to Patrick. His stomach dropped. Alexis had a way of getting everyone to fall in love with her. “David, who’s your friend?” She held a hand out to Patrick. The awkward kind of post you didn’t know whether you should squeeze the hand or kiss it. Patrick went for a squeeze-shake. Good start.

“Hi, I’m Patrick. But for tonight, James Harrington.”

“Hello, Patrick. Aren’t you a button.” Her words dripped honey. “I’m David’s much younger sister, Alexis.”

David hissed at her. “Not that much younger.”

“David, you’re practically forty.”

“I am not!” He shrieked, then winced. Patrick would be clamoring to get out of there, surely. David was a lot on his own, but around his family? He was a hell of a lot. But as he looked at Patrick, he found him smiling fondly at him.

“Don’t worry, David. With age comes wisdom.”

“And wrinkles,” Alexis added super unhelpfully.

“Are we talking about how old David is? He’s like the dad of the group.” Stevie took a bite from a crab cake as she slid into the booth next to Patrick. Brave food choice for a diner in rural Ontario.

David threw his hands up in his hair then crossed them over his chest as he studied the three people at this booth. The group. His group of friends. Huh. Sure, Alexis was there by blood and Patrick was a new addition, but Stevie wasn’t wrong. They felt like a little group. “I am not the dad. If anything, Patrick is the dad.”

“Why am I the dad?” Patrick looked shocked.

“Your clothes. You dress like a dad.”

“I mean, you kind of do.” Stevie gave him a once over.

“Wow.” Patrick leaned back in the booth and pouted and it was the cutest f*cking thing David had ever seen.

“When the braided belt fits.” David shrugged.

“Ooh burn,” Alexis said as she stole a cheese cube from David’s plate.

“Hands off, you little B. Get your own.”

“I can’t. They’re out.” She snuck another one.

“Move. Move!” He pushed her out of the booth. He’d been so wrapped up in Patrick, he’d lost track why he was there to begin with. “I need to refill the food. Ugh.”

“Want some help?”

David smiled at Patrick.”Yeah. Okay.” He ignored Stevie’s pointed look.

“We’ll just stay here and keep the booth warm,” Stevie said as she let Patrick out.

“Bring us back some cheese,” Alexis called.

David did a quick scan of the food table before leading Patrick back to the kitchen. He pulled an assortment of things out of the fridge and directed Patrick to swap them out with the empty platters on the table as David topped off the drink table.

Working with Patrick was nice. They stole quick glances and sent sweet smiles to each other as they replenished the tables. Twyla walked over to thank them both. It was kind of nice to see her so happy. As he looked around the room, he realized everyone looked happy. That was definitely nice. He turned toward Patrick and found him smiling at David. The nicest thing of all.

Then the lights went out and a woman screamed.

Chapter 4

Chapter Text

“Did you kill Twyla?” Roland glared at David in what he assumed the man thought was intimidating.

Patrick coughed to hide a snort. David had absolutely no poker face. His expressive features screamed that he wanted to throttle Roland.

“Rollie, it doesn’t work that way. You have to ask other questions and try to guess.” Jocelyn smiled at them.

“Okay then. Dave, if you were to kill Twyla, how would you do it?”

“My name is Julias Roberts, not David. I’m a lawyer, not a murderer, and I’ll kindly ask you to keep your accusations to yourself.” David’s lips twitched as he glanced at Patrick. He really liked this guy.

When he’d moved to Schitt’s Creek, he hadn’t expected to meet anyone, let alone someone as intoxicating as David.

“I think I’d be a good murderer. I think I’d use poison,” Alexis mused.

“Is that a confession,” Roland pressed.

“Eww, no. Murder is messy.”

Patrick laughed. Things sure weren’t boring around here.

“I don’t know, Joc. Maybe Twyla forgot to assign a murderer again this year.”

Jocelyn sighed. “Probably.”

David frowned, and Patrick wanted to fix it. “I can help with the food, but I can’t fix a poorly planned game.”

“Too soon, David.”

His attention shot to Stevie and he scowled.

“I’m sensing a story?”

“Oh, it’s nothing. We had a little games night after moving here and David threw a tantrum.”

David whirled on his sister. “A tantrum?! It was supposed to be a game night with six people.”

“For optimal gameplay,” Stevie and Alexis said at the same time.

“And you invited random townies and their kegs!”

“Are they always like this?” Patrick leaned over to Stevie and asked.

“Always.”

“It’s funny.” He looked at Stevie when she didn’t respond. He found her studying him. “What?”

Her mouth slowly curved into a predatory smile. “This is going to be fun.”

“What is?”

She didn’t respond as she kept grinning at him. He turned his attention back to David and Alexis and lost himself to their bickering.

Over the next hour or so, the crowd thinned out. Patrick had expected some sort of grand unveiling of the murderer, but Twyla had people write down their guesses of the murderer, how they did it and why on a piece of paper and she’d announce the winner later. A bit anticlimactic, but it wasn’t his gig. He probably should have actually paid attention when she’d explained the rules earlier, but how could he pay attention when David was there?

“I’m gonna go make my guess and head out.” Stevie slid out of the booth.

“Me too. I told Ted I’d help him clean up after his evening neutering appointments.”

David grimaced. “Have fun with that.”

“When you like someone, you do things for them. Try it sometime,” she snapped. David flipped her off.

Patrick realized he didn’t know if David was single or liked men. He’d just sort of assumed? Since they’d flirted at the Wobbly Elm and all tonight. But it was hard to imagine someone as great as David being single. Though, Schitt’s Creek didn’t seem to swim with prospects.

“So nice to meet you, Patrick. I’m sure I’ll be seeing more of you.”

Patrick arched an eyebrow and looked at David. “I’m sure you will. Nice to meet you too, Alexis. Good to see you again, Stevie.”

She offered him a shark’s smile, all teeth. “Indeed.”

David and Patrick chatted until it was just a handful of people left. “I should probably check in with Twyla,” David said but he didn’t move quickly to get out of the booth.

“I can join you. I can walk you home? You’re on the way back to my place.”

David smiled, looking pleased. “I’d like that.”

They approached Twyla, who was answering a series of questions from Roland.

“Want help cleaning up,” David asked her during a break in the questions.

Twyla shook her head. “I have to throw any leftover food out. Food safety rules.” She smiled, which seemed to be her go-to expression.

Patrick chuckled as he watched David’s attention wander over to the table, like he was evaluating whether or not there was anything he wanted to take home. He seemed to decide against it.

“Thank you so much for your help tonight, David!” She pulled him into a hug, and he awkwardly patted her back.

“Okay, well, goodnight,” he said. Patrick said his goodnights and followed David out.

“Is it just me or was that an incredibly anticlimactic ending? I thought there would be some sort of explanation and a room full of people pointing at the murderer.”

Patrick laughed. “I was just thinking the same thing! I’ve never been to a murder mystery party, but that was weird. Right?”

“Definitely weird. But also fun.” He smiled shyly at Patrick.

Very fun.

Chapter 5

Chapter Text

“I had a lot of fun too.”

Warmth spread through David’s chest. He really liked spending time with Patrick, and he wanted more. Lots more. He could see Patrick hanging out with him and Stevie. Patrick swinging by the motel and eating a pizza with him and Alexis. Grabbing coffee in Elmdale with just David and Patrick. But more than that, he could easily imagine kissing Patrick. Wrapping his arms around Patrick’s shoulders and feeling his warm, muscular body.

“I’m glad you came to the party. It must’ve been hard to pull yourself from all that TV watching with Ray.”

Patrick grinned at him. “One of the hardest things I’ve ever done. We only have three episodes left in last season of Drag Race.”

David stopped and gaped at him. “When you said you’ve been watching a lot of reality TV with Ray, I expected some sort of survival show or something, but you’re watching Drag Race?! You’re full of surprises.” Good ones. The kind of surprises that left David wanting more, instead of surprises that left him hollow. Surprises of his old life.

“I think I’ve got one more.” Patrick rubbed the back of his neck in the most adorable bashful gesture.

“I think I can handle one more.”

Patrick squared his shoulders. “I like spending time with you. Would you want to do that on purpose? With me? On a date?”

David’s cheeks hurt with how wide he smiled at Patrick. “I like spending time with you too. I’d very much like to do that on purpose. With you. On a date.”

“Good.”

“Good.”

They continued walking. The hotel only a block ahead. Too close. David wasn’t ready for the night to end, but he was excited to get to their date. “Is this an open-ended invitation or did you have a specific date in mind?”

Patrick laughed. “You know, that’s a good point. I guess I’m sort of rusty?”

David definitely wanted to hear more about that.

“Are you free tomorrow night?”

David bit his bottom lip. “Mm. Yup. Anxious, are we?”

“Seems pointless in picking a day further out when I know I’ll wake up tomorrow wanting to see you.”

“Jesus, Patrick. How can you just say stuff like that so easily?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know, but I’m rolling with it.”

“Keep doing that please,” David said in a quiet voice. He liked it. Liked how Patrick said what he thought.

“Okay, David.” He could hear Patrick’s smile.

They reached David’s door. “This is me.”

“Well, goodnight, David. Or should I say Julio? Sandy? Or was it Julias?”

David bit the inside of his cheek. “Goodnight, Patrick James Harrington. See you tomorrow?”

Patrick nodded and smiled as he slowly walked backward away from David’s room. “Looking forward to it.”

David smiled and turned to unlock his door. With a final wave to Patrick, he closed the door behind him and dropped onto the foot of his bed. He sat and smiled into the middle distance as he replayed Patrick asking him on a date with the hopeful smile and sweet heat in his cheeks. A date. With Patrick.

Eventually, he stood to get ready for bed. While pulling his phone from his pocket, his fingers grazed paper. He pulled it out and unwrapped it. His heart sank as he read it. f*ck! For all his efforts to help make Twyla’s party a success, he’d single-handedly tanked it by not realizing he was the murderer and no playing the actual game. Dammit.

He snapped a picture and sent it to Patrick.

David stared at his phone, and his hand shook slightly. Patrick already knew he wanted more than one date? More than one kiss? People rarely wanted a second date with him unless “date” meant “quick hookup” or “sex after buying them something.”
The dots bounced and stopped several times as David tried to get his brain to kick into gear.