A few months ago I posted for relationship advice on another sub. Basically my wife has decided unilaterally that we are done being physical with each other. She found out that she cannot have kids due to a choice she made before we met. And kids, apparently, are the only reason she was willing to sleep with me. I love my wife and I enjoy being intimate with her. But it was making our marriage untenable after two years of this. So I posted for advice. I got a lot of great support and suggestions about how to talk to my wife. I tried a lot of it. I started going for counseling for myself as well. But no matter how I approached her about our situation she would not try and see it from my point of view. Every discussion would end with her crying and screaming in my face that I am trying to emotionally manipulate her. I then wrote her a letter outlining my feelings and asking her to come with me for counseling, to seek it for herself, perhaps to go see a doctor. I was kind and loving in the letter. The last thing I wanted to do was set her off. I worked on the wording with my counselor to make sure I wasn't saying anything aggressive that could be misinterpreted. She read the letter. Then she scrawled across it with her red sharpie. "Go get it elsewhere because you are not getting it from me". Then she walked out. I sat there for about an hour doing nothing. Then I told myself that was what I was going to do. We are both fairly successful in our jobs, I'm not super attractive but I'm fit and a good talker. It took a while but I met someone. We started out as just friends but it became physical. I made sure she knew I was married. She is not interested in a relationship so I guess I am a safe option for her."AITA for getting it elsewhere since my wife didn't want to sleep with me anymore?"
My wife found out because I did not try and hide it. She was crying when I got home one night. When I came in she asked if I was going to leave her. I said no. She asked if I was cheating on her and I said I was getting my needs met. She said that was cheating and I did not disagree. I asked her what she wanted to do. She said I had to stop. I asked her if we were going to start sleeping together.
She said I was an irrational @$$hole if I thought that she would sleep with me after I cheated. I went to my desk and pulled out a photocopy of the letter I wrote with her answer in it. I went to have a shower and go to my room to sleep. When I woke up she was sitting on the couch waiting to talk.
She said that she reread the letter and that she realized she had not before. She assumed it was just a letter begging her to sleep with me. She said she would go for counseling alone and with me. All I had to do was stop sleeping with anyone else. I said I would be willing to pause my friendship until we saw a counselor.
And that if I saw progress in our relationship I would break it off. She said she would not agree to counseling without me leaving the other woman. It almost turned into a fight so I just went for my run. Before I left I asked her what would compel her to go to counseling if I stopped my affair. When I got back she still did not have an answer. She couldn't even say that our relationship was worth saving.
I don't want a divorce. But I am willing to leave over this. I am 28 I am not going the rest of my life without physical intimacy. She refuses to see my side.
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
J_Little_Bass said:
The fact that you made a photocopy of the letter tells me you already know this train is headed for DivorceTown.
No-Personality5421 said:
Are you the type of person that wants to sleep with someone that doesn't want to? I don't think there's therapy that will change her mind on what she doesn't enjoy doing. Just get a divorce. No matter who "wins", one of you will resent the other. You keep getting it somewhere else, she sees it as cheating and gets mad.
You stop seeing someone else, you no longer get to be intimate and resent her. She caves, you're happy, she isn't. There is no happy ending where you two are still together.
And vegetableBusiness897 said:
Holy crap. Only 28 and willing to go through all this just to have some (little begging only with councilling) intimacy?? Go find someone who loves and wants all of you fully. You deserve better, and she deserves to find someone she can be in a platonic relationship with if that's what she wants.
Apparently he received everyone's feedback, because he later shared this update:
I told my wife that I broke off my relationship with the woman I was sleeping with. I did this because she said she would not agree to go to counseling unless I did so. She refused to go for counseling after I told her I broke off my relationship with my friend. She said I was her husband and that I didn't have the right to her body or to sleep with someone else.
Since I lied as a test I think you can guess I knew she was lying. We are getting divorced. She deserves to be happy with someone who is okay with no physical intimacy n the marriage and I deserve a life. I have moved out and am moving forward with my life. Thanks for all your advice.
Sources: Reddit
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